Presenting....Hugh Grant and the ever lovely...Drew Barrymore!!

I've been living with a shadow overhead,
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed,
I've been lonely for so long,
Trapped in the past,
I just can't seem to move on!

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away,
Just in case I ever need them again someday,
I've been setting aside time,
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind!

All I want to do is find a way back into love.
I can't make it true without a way back into love.
Oooooh.

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine,
I've been searching but i just don't see the signs,
I know that it's out there,
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere!

I've been looking for someone to shed some light,
Not somebody just to get me through the night,
I could use some direction,
And I'm open to your suggestions.

All I want to do is find a way back into love.
I can't make it through without a way back into love.
And if I open my heart again,
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end!
Oooooooh, Ooooooh, Ooooooh.

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love,
I can't make it through without a way back into love,
And if I open my heart to you,
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do,
And if you help me to start again,
You know that I'll be there for you in the end!
Oooooooh. Oooooooh. Ooooooooh. Oooooooh. Ooooooh Ooooooooh. Ooooooooh.

Thank you!

I had went to my friend's house to be. It's on a hill and near a mosque. The area is quiet, a little bit ragged but there was this distinct neigbourhly aura that caught my attention. Just a very neighbourhood kinda feeling, don't know whether there is such a description. Ok, moving on, I went upstairs and into the house. It seems quite small, but the kitchen is big. There are 3 bedrooms and 2 toilets. My friend was describing to me on the plans that he has already made for his house, for example the bed, the toilet extension, the windows and etc. I just walked around, listened to him and imagined how it is going to look like after all the renovations. But there was another part of me that was imagining how it'll look like if it's going to be my house. A picture grew in my mind and ideas started coming in, and suddenly I felt the excitement that probably occured to my friend when he first got the house. Now, I feel like getting my own place, start a family and such. It was all so dreamy that I just stood at the living room, stared at the walls, and drooled. I must have been in that state for a whole good 5 minutes as my friend had to shake me to snap me out of my daydream. He just laughed after that. I wasn't laughing, I just smiled because in my mind a plan has been laid out on making that dream of mine becomes a reality. Just need actions after this. But first, I need to get 'something' back to beautify my house. That 'thing' is of the utmost IMPORTANCE to me. Wish me luck!

Somehow, nowadays, I tend to hear songs that somewhat reflect or project how I feel at this moment of my life, and it is pretty often that I hear such songs. I used to just listen to these songs without really paying attention to the lyrics, but now the lyrics seems to enter and resonate in my thick skull, and I start to understand each and every word. Think I'm going crazy. Haha! Here is 1 such song, which I used to feel that it's boring...

2 a.m. and the rain is falling
Here we are at the crossroads once again
You're telling me you're so confused
You can't make up your mind
Is this meant to be
You're asking me
But only love can say - try again or walk away
But I believe for you and me
The sun will shine one day
So I'll just play my part
And pray you'll have a change of heart
But I can't make you see it through
That's something only love can do
In your arms as the dawn is breaking
Face to face and a thousand miles apart
I've tried my best to make you see
There's hope beyond the pain
If we give enough, if we learn to trust
I know if I could find the words
To touch you deep inside
You'd give our dream just one more chance
Don't let this be our good-bye

Exactly how it is at the moment! It is starting to get freaky!

Two different songs, two different feelings, but they are the same... (What the hell?I don't even understand what I just wrote.)

Betapa aku mencintaimu
dengan sepenuh hatiku
Betapa aku menyayangimu
lebih dari yang kau tahu
Inginku bahagiakan dirimu
setiap saat bersamaku
Seperti janjiku kepadamu
takkan pernah ku ingkari
Aku kan slalu ada di dekatmu
Aku kan slalu menemani harimu
Kau harus tau betapa aku
Mencintaimu
Betapa aku mencintaimu...

Kasih kulihat darimu ada
sesuatu yang beda, membuatku
menjadi tak mengerti…
Katakanlah sejujurnya
padaku jangan kau membisu
Yakinlah ku pasti mengertikan dirimu
Ternyata kau sudah tak lagi mencintaiku
dan kau ingin akhiri semua sampai disini
Maafkan jika selama ini aku tak bisa
bahagiakan dirimu, bahagiakan dirimu.. 

In Singapore, there is no chaste system, or is there? I am a normal human being, a person. When I bleed, my blood is red, same as others, there is no race or description written on the blood. Even in lab tests, the only difference between bloods, is whether it's A+, B+, O, or AIDS etc. Yet, I was made to feel that I am of a lower grade of humans just because I have 'different' blood.

I really feel like shit at the moment, smelly and ugly to look at. I cried, because it hurts. It wasn't the first time I cried. The first was when my mum gave birth to me and the Doctor spanked my butt. I have felt pain a lot of times. I have been wounded or injured a lot of times. But none can be compared to pain in the heart, wound in the heart, and I am not talking about heart attack or literally a wounded heart, I would have died if it was. I am talking about the pain of being heart broken, as when your mum says that you are not her son/daughter anymore. (Not that my mum said that, just an example).

I have a few shortcomings or maybe a lot. I am not perfect, nobody is. I am not without flaws. I have ambitions, I have dreams, I have plans, I have my serious side, I have abilities and capabilities. I have wants, I have needs. I have my good days, I have my bad days. I can sacrifice, I can give, I can coax, I can lend a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a word of encouragement, a smile, a hand, a lift, a push, a lollipop. I make mistakes, I make amends, I make cakes(not nice ones), I make surprises, I make do, I make believe, I make out(ooops). I better stop here as I think I can go on and on and on and on, just like the lamb chops song, the song that never ends....

Sometimes you have to think about others, but among the others, you surely think of someone that is special to you first. That someone is special to you and you are special to that someone. Priorities are different from individual to individual, and ways of doing things are different too. But if you have a common goal, however different the journey is, the goal is there to be achieved together. Life would be boring if we all share the same journey, the same style.

I love this part, it's analogy time! Your partner and you want to go KL, by driving a car. You drive, your partner guides. Starts from your home, you drive in familiar territories, no problem there. In another area, you need to fill up fuel, but you are not familiar with the place. You turn to your partner and asks. Your partner may or may not know the fuel stations in that area. Or he/she can guide you to another place that he/she is familiar with. Or he/she can open the street directory and guide you. Teamwork there everyone. You know how to drive, your partner knows how to read maps and relay info. Different skills that is complimentary! Along the way, you or your partner may need to stop for food, to answer nature's call and etc. You wait for each other. You may have different directions on how to get somewhere from your partner. You may argue and quarrel, and you say sorry if you are wrong and vice versa. Here, unless egos are very high, it'll be difficult to calm the situation. There need to be a compromise, someone have to give in, because the journey is long and awkwardness and such will not help. Halfway there, you feel sleepy, so you changed position, and your partner drives while you sleep. You need to understand that you need to take turns to sleep and drive. So there may be times when you wil drive 'alone' because your partner is sleeping. Throughout the journey, you will face more obstructions or difficulties, but you got each other to consult, to help and to support. There may be traffic police fining you, other cars trying to race you, lorries blocking your way, and even birds shitting on your car. Throughout the journey, the driver need to take care of the passenger, by driving safely. The passenger in turn, need to make sure the driver don't fall asleep and also need to trust the driver. Your partner and you need to have faith and you are responsible for each other and yourselves too. Understanding and communication is key here. Of course in the first place, you need to have the car first, money for fuel and to spend in KL. You even plan your budget, what to bring, plan your itineries, your driving directions, your back up plans, where to stay and such. Finally, you reached KL safe and sound, enjoy the atmosphere, go shopping like crazy, go eating like hungry, go enjoy! And when the time comes, you have to make your way back home, together with your partner.

All of the above is similar like a relationship, or maybe it only seems so to me, but anyone that don't understand, feel free to ask me, and I will be more than willing to make you see the sight. From the above, it seems like quite a difficult journey, so many of us would opt to go KL by bus, train, or plane. Plane is the fastest but not the safest though. But none of the three is as exciting or thrilling as driving on your own all the way to KL. It may be tough, especially when you are a first timer, and it is not without its danger, but when you reached your destination, you will feel the achievement, the satisfaction, and some tiredness too, and trust me, it will feel worth it. It's like shopping at a sale, tiring but you are happy! Okay, I better save this shopping analogy for another time. And then after KL, you may want to go to London or New York. For these destinations, it takes different planning, different research, and you need to take the plane even if you love driving a car already. It's a totally different journey! Oh my God! I don't think I can stop typing. My mind is working like a workaholic! In fact, I am a workaholic! Okay, really, I need to stop. You know what's the problem? I don't have a partner beside me right now to tell me to stop typing, switch off the computer, and go to sleep as I have to work early tomorrow. At this moment, I am building my car, yes, I am not buying a car, but building one. It's almost done, depending on which view you see it from. Just need to find a driving partner. If my partner has a car, that would be great, we can share 2 cars! Wait, I don't even have a driving license. Okay, build a car, find a partner and bribe for a license. That's my plan! Haha! Okay, okay.. Full stop.

The End!

Next episode of Journey Journal will be aired as and when the Producer feels like it...

Dear bravejournal,

I wish I am as brave as you. Brave enough to face life, to face the truth, to face misery, to face the music, to face challenges, to face stark reality. Oh, how I wish. During your birthdays, people wish you the best, wish that your dreams come true and even urge you to make wishes before blowing out the bloody candles. But you know what? Since the day I was born, none of my wishes or dreams ever came true. Some nearly came true, so close to being true, so close I can smell it but opened my eyes and it was just hallucination, just a hologram. Reach out for the stars they say. BAH!

Once, salt and water, were mixed together, in a beaker. They may be different, but they compliment each other. You see the water and taste the salt. Such combi. Haha! Then the bunsen burner came, heat the beaker up and water starts to evaporate. Alas, the last single drop of water evaporates, and left behind, is the salt. Water changed to vapour, free to roam wherever the air brings it while salt still feels the heat of the burner. There, salt lay looking up, hoping that vapour will condense and return as water in the beaker.

How? Nice analogy huh? Haha! You know what? I stopped believing in the phrase 'reach out for the stars'. In reality, you can never reach for the stars, and even if you do, it'll be so hot that before you can reach it, you'll be burnt to ashes. So, it's as good as saying "in you dreams", or more bluntly, "fat hope". Have a good day! At this moment, I am at the bottom of the beaker, still wishing, still hoping, still praying that one day, if water never comes back, that I will be changed to vapour too. I can tell myself reach out for the stars! Dang...

Now, it has been a long time since my last entry. I was on lots of vacations- Krabi, Batam, Bangkok, KL, New York, Brazil, Spain, Mars, to name a few. Now, I have just given birth to a bright baby boy.

Nah, I'm just kidding. It was just 12 months of laziness and in a state where writing is so redundant. Redundant because I find it better talking or communicating with others, friends, and those who are close at heart. Talking is a dynamic thing where you get responses, laugh and even hit each other. Writing is for those who feels alone, like I feel right now. It is not alone as in Alone, but alone as in sometimes you can't find someone that you can talk to about cetain stuffs, especially personal stuffs, which you do with someone special, someone very close. In this case, I don't have that special someone to talk to. I have a special someone but at the moment that someone is angry with me.

I lost my handphone. This is the 2nd time actually. No one wants to lose anything, mind, virginity(unless it's worth it), personal properties and etc. Well, for me, losing my personal stuffs is like a bad habit or a curse that keeps haunting me. No matter how much care and effort I put in to make sure I keep track of my belongings, somehow, somewhere, an unknown power or force will make sure I do otherwise. It just takes a moment of rush, recklesness or daydreaming, and POOF!, my belonging is gone, in this case, my handphone. I don't know who or what to blame except for myself. Lose my handphone, lose my mood, lose my appetite(sometimes) and to add further to the losing streak, I have to face a barrage of angry scoldings. How down do you think I can get?

Haiyah, keep the story short, I lose my handphone and I need a cure for this losing streak, because at this rate, I can forsee losing my own "Generation Mechanism". I don't like to lose my stuffs, and I sure don't like to be scolded. End of story. Any good remedy anyone?